Setting Limits with Overbearing Grandparents

If you have kids AND you have parents, then this might be of interest to you!  When grandparents are beyond eager and verge on the pushy when it comes to spending time with your kids you may be feeling a little bit of anxiety.  Most parent’s worry that the power and control they have over the lives and times of their family will be usurped by the overbearing grandparents!

Whether this is a chronic problem for you or an occasional problem, it can be very uncomfortable.  It might seem like your choices are limited to your suffering or causing a big family drama.  But this doesn’t have to be the case- there are other options.

Having grandparents that want to be involved with your kids is actually a great problem to have.  Unless they are abusive, neglectful or completely inappropriate- the relationship should be encouraged.  Both the grandparents and your kids have a right to cultivate this wonderful relationship so it may require you to put any of your personal feelings aside.  And when it comes to safety or leaving the kids alone with grandparents, use your intuition and listen to your gut.

 Now, here is the thing; you are the ultimate gatekeeper and YOU get to decide when, how long and under what circumstances the grandparents have access to the kids.  Your power will not be usurped as long as you don’t allow it.  It just comes down to knowing this fact.  Respectfully and firmly communicate your parameters, establish clear boundaries and hold to them.

Here are examples of what this can sound like:

“Jenny would love to spend the morning with you, but that day doesn’t work for us.  How about Monday next week.”

“That time isn’t good for us, what about…”

 “Oh, remember, I think I told you I’m not really comfortable with Grandpa being alone with the kids so let’s wait until you get back from your appointment before I drop the kids off.”

Preempt any discomfort or awkwardness these statements might cause by having the tough conversations about boundaries and limits.  In that last example, the mom had already expressed to the grandma the safety concern about grandpa.  If grandma forgets or tries to undermine the rule, you will just be able to gently reminder her of it.  It may irritate you, but they are who they are- you need to just be who you are; the calm, in control parent who is doing the right thing for everyone involved.