APRIL GARLICK IS A 46-YEAR-OLD HAIRSTYLIST AND MOTHER OF FOUR WHO LIVES IN A SUBURB OF SALT LAKE CITY. IN 2015, HER 17-YEAR-OLD SON JUSTIN, WHO HAD BEEN STRUGGLING WITH AN EATING DISORDER FOR MORE THAN A YEAR, COMMITTED SUICIDE. APRIL IS ON A MISSION TO RAISE AWARENESS BY SHARING JUSTIN’S STORY.
MY SON JUSTIN WAS A BEAUTIFUL, SMART BOY. HE WAS A 4.0 STUDENT AND A TALENTED MUSICIAN. HE PLAYED THE DRUMS, PIANO, AND TRUMPET. I NEVER HAD TO PRESS HIM ABOUT GRADES OR HOMEWORK BECAUSE HE WAS HARDER ON HIMSELF THAN ANYONE ELSE COULD HAVE BEEN—HE WAS ALWAYS VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT DOING THINGS THE RIGHT WAY.
I HAVE FOUR BOYS. ONE HAS ALWAYS BEEN VERY LANKY, BUT THE OTHER THREE ALL WENT THROUGH A PHASE IN ABOUT SIXTH GRADE, AT AGE 11, WHERE THEY GOT A LITTLE PUDGY BEFORE GROWING TALL AND LANKY IN EIGHTH OR NINTH GRADE. BUT JUSTIN DIDN’T HANDLE THE PUDGY STAGE WELL AT ALL.
AT THE TIME, HIS DAD AND I WERE GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE, WHICH WAS HARD ALL AROUND. I THINK HE USED FOOD AS A COPING MECHANISM FOR STRESS, WHICH I HAD DONE, TOO. AS HE GAINED WEIGHT, IT BECAME CLEAR THAT HE WAS REALLY BEGINNING TO STRUGGLE WITH SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES. HE WOULD NEVER GO SWIMMING WITHOUT A SHIRT, HE WAS CONSTANTLY PULLING HIS SHIRTS OUT AWAY FROM HIS STOMACH—LITTLE THINGS THAT SHOWED ME HE WAS BECOMING VERY INSECURE. I TRIED TO REASSURE HIM THAT HE WAS GOING TO GET TALLER EVENTUALLY AND ALSO TO HELP HIM SEE HOW WONDERFUL HE WAS JUST THE WAY HE WAS, BUT IT DIDN’T SEEM TO HELP.
THEN, WHEN HE WAS 13 OR 14, HE DID GET A LOT TALLER. THE WEIGHT DROPPED OFF, AND I THINK HE FELT REALLY GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF. IN THE SPRING OF 2014, HE STARTED SHOWING INTEREST IN BEING MORE ACTIVE. HE WANTED A GYM MEMBERSHIP AND STARTED RUNNING. IT WAS ALL STILL GOOD AND INNOCENT AT THAT POINT. THEN HE FINISHED NINTH GRADE, AND THAT SUMMER THINGS STARTED TO ESCALATE.
HE HAD TO GET HIS RUN IN EVERY DAY. IF HE MISSED A RUN, HE WOULD BE SO UPSET. I STARTED TO NOTICE THAT HE SEEMED TO BE RESTRICTING HIS FOOD INTAKE. WHEN I ASKED, HE’D SAY HE WASN’T HUNGRY, OR HE’D ALREADY EATEN AT A FRIEND’S, OR HE DIDN’T LIKE WHAT I’D MADE, OR IT WASN’T HEALTHY ENOUGH. HIS BEST FRIEND’S MOM EVEN CALLED ME AT ONE POINT AND ASKED IF HE WAS OK BECAUSE HE WASN’T EATING, AND HE USED TO ALWAYS LOVE TO EAT AT THEIR HOUSE.
I WAS GETTING REALLY WORRIED, SO I STARTED BUGGING HIM ABOUT IT. WHEN WE WENT THROUGH THE DIVORCE, WE HAD A THERAPIST WHO ALL THE KIDS WORKED WITH. I KEPT ASKING IF HE WANTED TO GO SEE THE THERAPIST AND HE KEPT SAYING, “NO, I’M FINE,” BUT THEN AT THE END OF SUMMER, HE FINALLY AGREED BECAUSE HE ADMITTED THAT HE WAS TIRED OF FEELING LIKE HE COULDN’T EAT. AT THAT POINT, I ALSO TOOK HIM TO OUR FAMILY PRACTITIONER. I TOLD THEM I SUSPECTED ANOREXIA BUT WASN’T POSITIVE, SO THEY DID AN EKG AND BLOOD WORK, AND IT TURNED OUT THAT HE WAS IN BRADYCARDIA, MEANING HE HAD AN EXTREMELY SLOWED HEART RATE. ACCORDING TO RESEARCH PUBLISHED IN THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF ANGIOLOGY, BRADYCARDIA IS OFTEN CAUSED BY ANOREXIA, SO WE HAD CONFIRMED HIS DIAGNOSIS.
"I THINK HE USED FOOD AS A COPING MECHANISM FOR STRESS, WHICH I HAD DONE, TOO."
HE KEPT DOING THERAPY AND KEPT SEEING OUR FAMILY DOCTOR FOR REGULAR CHECK-INS, BUT BY THE WEEK AFTER HE TURNED 16, HE WAS 5'8" AND HE WAS DOWN TO 107 POUNDS. HE WAS CONSTANTLY IN BRADYCARDIA, AND THEN HIS BLOOD WORK SHOWED THAT HIS KIDNEYS WERE STARTING TO GO INTO DISTRESS. I REALIZED WE JUST WEREN’T DOING ENOUGH. AFTER CONSULTING WITH OUR FAMILY DOCTOR AND JUSTIN’S THERAPIST ABOUT WHAT TO DO NEXT, WE DECIDED TO TAKE HIM TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM TO GET HIM ADMITTED SO HE COULD IMMEDIATELY START GETTING TREATMENT.
HE WAS ADMITTED INTO THE EMERGENCY ROOM, BUT WHEN THEY FOUND OUT HE HAD AN EATING DISORDER, THEY DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HIM. THEY DIDN’T HAVE ANY DOCTORS THERE CAPABLE OF HANDLING AN EATING DISORDER—AND THIS WAS A FAIRLY BIG HOSPITAL. HE WAS THERE FOR 16 HOURS IN THE ER WHILE WE TRIED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO, WHICH ALSO INVOLVED THE NIGHTMARE OF TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH HOSPITALS AND TREATMENT CENTERS ACCEPTED OUR HEALTH INSURANCE PLAN AND WHICH DIDN’T. WE DISCOVERED THAT THERE WAS BASICALLY NOWHERE IN UTAH FOR A TEENAGE BOY WITH AN EATING DISORDER TO RECEIVE TREATMENT.
HE WAS TRANSFERRED TO THE CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL IN SALT LAKE CITY TEMPORARILY AND GIVEN A FEEDING TUBE, AND ONCE HIS HEART WAS STABLE ENOUGH, WE MOVED HIM TO THE UNIVERSITY NEUROPSYCHIATRIC INSTITUTE IN SALT LAKE CITY. THEY TREAT MENTAL AND BEHAVIORAL HEALTH BUT DON’T HAVE ANYTHING SPECIFIC THERE FOR EATING DISORDERS. HE STARTED SEEING A NUTRITIONIST, A PSYCHOLOGIST, AND A PSYCHIATRIST THERE. THEY STARTED TO GET HIS WEIGHT UP SLOWLY. THEY CAME UP WITH AN EATING PLAN, AND IN PREPARATION FOR SENDING HIM HOME AGAIN, THEY’D FEED HIM BREAKFAST AND THEN HAVE HIS DAD AND I BRING HIM LUNCH AND DINNER SO WE COULD GET A FEEL FOR HOW TO PREPARE FOOD AT HOME THAT WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT NUMBER OF CALORIES.
ALMOST EVERY DAY, WE’D HAVE SOME KIND OF CONFRONTATION. I THINK JUSTIN FELT SAFEST WITH ME, SO HE TOOK OUT ALL OF HIS FRUSTRATIONS ON ME. HE WAS LIKE JEKYLL AND HYDE. ONE MINUTE HE’D BE FINE, AND THE NEXT HE’D BE SCREAMING AT ME, TELLING ME HE HATED ME. IT WAS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER. WE WERE ALWAYS WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. ONE DAY HE LET LOOSE LIKE THAT IN THERAPY, AND THE DOCTOR LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, “THIS IS NOT YOUR SON. THIS IS ED TALKING. THIS IS ED YELLING AT YOU RIGHT NOW.”
JUSTIN GOT A LOT OF SUPPORT FROM HIS COUSIN KYLE, MY SISTER’S SON, WHO WAS EIGHT YEARS OLDER THAN HIM AND VERY INTO FITNESS, HEALTH, AND NUTRITION. WHEN HE WAS STILL IN THE HOSPITAL, KYLE WOULD CALL HIM AND SAY, “HEY BUDDY, JUST GET BETTER SO WE CAN GO ON A BIKE RIDE TOGETHER.” ONCE HE WAS HOME, THEY’D GO ON SHORT LITTLE HIKES AND COOK HEALTHY MEALS TOGETHER. HE WAS THE SWEETEST KID, AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP WAS REALLY BENEFICIAL FOR JUSTIN—HE REALLY LOOKED UP TO HIM.
TWO OR THREE MONTHS LATER, WE GOT A CALL FROM MY MOTHER SAYING THAT KYLE HAD TAKEN HIS OWN LIFE. IT WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF THE BLUE. NO ONE HAD ANY CLUE THAT HE HAD EVEN BEEN HURTING. NEEDLESS TO SAY, JUSTIN WAS DEVASTATED. I WAS DEVASTATED, TOO. WE ALL WERE. MY SISTER AND I HAD RAISED THESE LITTLE BOYS TOGETHER ALL OF THEIR LIVES.
I HAD A REALLY TERRIBLE FEAR ABOUT WHAT THIS WAS GOING TO MEAN FOR JUSTIN. HE’D BEEN DOING PRETTY WELL, BUT AFTER KYLE DIED HE WENT BACK TO BEING VERY JEKYLL AND HYDE. ONE DAY HE’D BE UP, THE NEXT HE’D BE DOWN. HE STARTED EATING AGAIN, AND INITIALLY I WAS SO EXCITED, BUT I EVENTUALLY REALIZED THAT THAT HE WAS NOW BULIMIC. HE’D STARTED BINGEING AND PURGING, EATING WHOLE BAGS OF OREOS, WHOLE CAKES. SPOONS AND SPATULAS WENT MISSING. I’D FIND VOMIT AT THE BASE OF THE TOILET.
HE DENIED IT, BUT IT WAS CLEAR THAT HE WAS BECOMING VERY SICK AGAIN. SO FINALLY, IN APRIL OF 2015, WE SENT HIM TO THE INPATIENT EATING RECOVERY CENTER IN WASHINGTON STATE. OUR INSURANCE COMPANY KEPT TRYING TO SEND HIM HOME PREMATURELY, AND AFTER TWO MONTHS OF FIGHTING WITH THEM ABOUT IT, THEY FORCED US TO SWITCH TO PARTIAL HOSPITALIZATION, MEANING YOU DROP THEM OFF IN THE MORNING AND PICK THEM UP TO HAVE DINNER WITH YOU AND SLEEP AT HOME, KIND OF LIKE SCHOOL. LOTS OF THE KIDS DOING THIS LIVED NEARBY, BUT WE WERE 14 HOURS AWAY IN UTAH, SO WE COULDN’T KEEP UP WITH THIS FOR VERY LONG. HIS DAD AND I TOOK TURNS FLYING OUT AND STAYING IN A HOTEL TO TAKE HIM IN EVERY DAY FOR ABOUT TWO MORE WEEKS, BUT THAT’S ALL WE COULD AFFORD TO DO BETWEEN HAVING TO TAKE TIME OFF OF WORK, PAY FOR THE HOTEL, AND FLY BACK AND FORTH. IN J
UNE, WE HAD TO BRING HIM BACK HOME AGAIN.
YOU COULD SEE IN HIS FACE THAT HE WAS DOING SO MUCH BETTER. HIS SKIN LOOKED BETTER, HIS EYES SPARKLED AGAIN, AND HE HAD HIS LAUGH BACK. I FELT SO RELIEVED, SO HAPPY TO HAVE HIM BACK, BUT ALSO SO NERVOUS. I DIDN’T THINK HE’D BEEN IN TREATMENT LONG ENOUGH. I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE WE WERE TOTALLY IN THE CLEAR YET.
"ONE MINUTE HE’D BE FINE, AND THE NEXT HE’D BE SCREAMING AT ME, TELLING ME HE HATED ME."
HE DID REALLY WELL FOR A WHILE, BUT THEN IN SEPTEMBER I STARTED NOTICING LARGE QUANTITIES OF FOOD DISAPPEARING AGAIN, AND WHEN I SAW THE VOMIT AT THE BASE OF THE TOILET AGAIN, I WANTED TO THROW UP, TOO. I DIDN’T WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN. THE WHOLE FAMILY WAS ALL SO EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED. THE MONEY WAS EXHAUSTED. ALL MY ENERGY WAS ALWAYS GOING TO JUSTIN, AND I FELT GUILTY FOR NOT PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION TO MY OTHER KIDS. I FELT GUILTY FOR NOT DOING MORE FOR JUSTIN BECAUSE I STILL HAD TO WORK. I FELT GUILTY NO MATTER WHAT I DID.
WE WERE STILL GOING TO THERAPY TOGETHER, SEEING A NUTRITIONIST, AND SEEING A DOCTOR, BUT IT WASN’T ENOUGH. HE WOULD SCREAM AT HIS BROTHERS AND I, AND HE STARTED CUTTING HIMSELF. THE CUTS WERE ALWAYS SHALLOW, SO IT WAS MORE A CRY FOR HELP.
BUT IN NOVEMBER, JUSTIN TOOK HIS LIFE WITH A GUN. WHEN THE DOCTORS TOLD US THEY HADN’T BEEN ABLE TO SAVE HIM DESPITE THEIR BEST EFFORTS, I REMEMBER I KEPT SAYING, “THAT’S NOT RIGHT, THAT’S NOT RIGHT.” I COULDN’T BELIEVE ANY CHANCE I HAD TO KEEP FIGHTING FOR MY BABY WAS GONE. I COULDN’T BELIEVE MY FAMILY WAS GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN, LIKE WE HAD WITH KYLE.
IN THE LAST 10 MONTHS, MY FAMILY HAS HAD TO LEARN HOW TO PUT ALL THAT ENERGY WE WERE PUTTING TOWARD TRYING TO SAVE JUSTIN TOWARD OURSELVES, TO BEGIN HEALING. I’M SPEAKING OUT ABOUT HIS DEATH NOW BECAUSE I WANT TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT THE CONNECTION BETWEEN EATING DISORDERS AND SUICIDE RISK, AND ABOUT THE FACT THAT TEENAGE BOYS CAN HAVE BODY IMAGE PROBLEMS AND SUFFER FROM EATING DISORDERS, TOO.
ACCORDING TO RESEARCH PUBLISHED IN THE GENERAL HOSPITAL PSYCHIATRY JOURNAL, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ATTEMPTS ARE MORE COMMON AMONG PEOPLE STRUGGLING WITH EATING DISORDERS THAN MOST PEOPLE REALIZE. WHAT'S MORE, RATES OF MORTALITY AMONG PEOPLE WITH EATING DISORDERS ARE ACTUALLY HIGHER THAN FOR THOSE SUFFERING FROM OTHER MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS LIKE DEPRESSION, BIPOLAR DISORDER, AND SCHIZOPHRENIA, OFTEN AS THE RESULT OF SUICIDE. I WANT MORE PEOPLE TO KNOW THAT IT’S OK FOR GUYS TO TALK OPENLY ABOUT EATING DISORDERS, TO ADMIT IT IF THEY HAVE PROBLEM, AND NOT TO BE ASHAMED OR EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT.
I’M WORKING TO HELP GET A FACILITY WHERE MALES WITH EATING DISORDERS CAN BE TREATED TO OPEN IN THE STATE OF UTAH SO NO ONE ELSE IN OUR STATE HAS TO GO THROUGH EVERYTHING OUR FAMILY WENT THROUGH. I ALSO STARTED AN ANNUAL WALK TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT MALES WITH EATING DISORDERS ON JUSTIN’S BIRTHDAY, SEPTEMBER 23. HE WOULD HAVE TURNED 18 THIS YEAR.
I WANT PARENTS TO KNOW THAT IT’S SO, SO IMPORTANT TO LOVE YOURSELF AND TO SHOW YOUR KIDS THAT YOU LOVE YOURSELF. I THINK THEY SEE OUR ATTITUDES TOWARDS OURSELVES AND THAT TRANSFERS ONTO THEM IN SOME WAYS. I DIDN’T ALWAYS HAVE THE GREATEST SELF ESTEEM. I DON’T BLAME MYSELF, BUT I DO FEEL LIKE THAT AFFECTED JUSTIN IN SOME WAYS. SO MANY OF US, WOMEN ESPECIALLY, BEAT OURSELVES UP AND SAY HORRIBLE THINGS TO OURSELVES THAT WE WOULD NEVER SAY TO OUR WORST ENEMIES. EVERYONE DESERVES TO HAVE A ROLE MODEL FOR HOW TO LOVE THEMSELVES, AND HOW TO TREAT THEMSELVES LIKE THEIR OWN BEST FRIEND.
No comments:
Post a Comment