You’ve dealt with them before. At your church, as a volunteer,
on your staff, as customers.
Toxic people are well, toxic.
An unhealthy person can infect your team like toxins infect the human body. After some exposure, everyone feels sick.
The optimist in you and me hope toxic people will become better.
The good news is, sometimes they do.
Unhealthy people can grow healthier with the right care and
attention in a healthy environment.
But some toxic people just don’t. Some remain difficult, despite
all attempts.
And as you know, if you don’t address toxic people—or worse, let
them gain influence—they can infect your whole organization, diminishing your
effectiveness and taking everyone’s focus off the mission.
So…how can you tell early on that the person you’re dealing with
might be that person?
Here are 6 signs:
1. THEY COME ON
TOO STRONG
In my experience as a pastor, the people who show up and want to
make it headline news are rarely (I’m being generous here) healthy people.
What’s perplexing is that the people who end up being the most toxic at the end
of the relationship are over-the-top positive when they first meet you.
I have learned to be suspicious when people tell me on first
meeting and first hearing that ‘That’s the best message I’ve ever heard in my
life!” or “This is the best church I’ve ever been to anywhere.”
I find usually the people who are moderately impressed or even
neutral on the first visit and warm up over time are the ones who are most
healthy in the long run.
People who come on strong when they first meet you usually leave
just as loudly.
2. THEY GIVE YOU ADVICE DURING YOUR FIRST MEETING.
Whether it’s a casual conversation or even a job interview,
people who tell 15 ways you can improve your organization or your speaking
often end up being toxic people.
Are there ways we can improve our organization? Of
course.
Can you improve your speaking? Sure you can.
But when someone leads with off with loads of advice…well,
that’s just not healthy.
When people I first meet start telling me about all the ways we
can improve our church, I thank them and tell them point blank we’re probably
not the church for them and offer to help them find a new one.
3. THEY TELL RATHER THAN WAITING TO BE ASKED.
Naturally, we all have opinions that are valid. But in a healthy
human relationship, we reserve opinions about others until we are asked the
share them.
Toxic people rarely do. Toxic people volunteer them (see #3
above).
If someone is telling you things all the time and never waits to
be asked, it’s a sign of toxicity.
(In really close relationships, it’s natural to volunteer
opinions. But it’s done with humility, respect and concern for the person.)
4. THEY WANT TO
BE THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION.
They hijack conversations. They never ask questions. They want
to get involved too soon.
They tell you what they’re an expert in. They tell you what they
think.
They tell you about their amazing track record. They tell you
about their accomplishments. They demand your attention. Truly healthy people
wait to be asked.
5. YOU HEAR FROM
THEM FAR TOO OFTEN IN THE FIRST MONTH.
Often a toxic person, because they want to be the center of
attention, will try to get on your calendar soon.
They’ll email you, call you, ask for breakfast, try to figure
out how they can ‘help’ or be influential early on.
Again, most great leaders wait to be asked.
They have the humility to be obscure for a while and to serve
rather than to want to be served.
6. THEY HAVE A TRACK RECORD OF MOVING AROUND.
Usually, a person who comes on that strong has a history of
moving around.
When I’m picking up some of the other signs, I’ll ask a question
such as “Tell me where you’ve gone to church over the last few years.”
Often people will tell me about 3 or 4 churches they’ve been to
(flag) or about a major schism they were a part of that caused them to leave
their last church (big flag).
Hint: If someone left 5 churches in the last 5 years, they’re
probably leaving yours too.
WHAT
DO YOU SEE?
If a person displays one or two signs that may not demonstrate
they’re toxic, but if the person displays 5 or 6, it’s fairly good evidence you
might be dealing with a toxic person:
So what do you do with someone like this?
For starters, put up clear boundaries.
Don’t let them get involved. Watch carefully. Usually, if you
don’t give them influence, the truly toxic ones leave.
And if, after watching them for a few months (true character is
revealed over time) you realize you’re wrong (which I have been), then you can
invite them to get involved.
Have you met this person? Any other signs you’ve seen?
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